The Night Is Darkest Just Before The Dawn

There is a dark side to job hunting and unemployment that people do not write or talk about. Because on the outside, you want your family and friends to think you are ok, that you're having FUNemployment. No one wants to hear you complain or stress, so you do your best to keep it to yourself. But that only creates more stress, fear, doubt. The dark side of the whole process is the mind-fuck that you that put yourself through.

The moon as seen from the Atacama Desert
through a telescope in the middle of the night.

There is an anger that develops for any rejection you may receive. Doubt of your own talent and skills slowly creep up on your mind's eye. The focus then becomes, what have you done wrong? How you could have done better? Who affected this situation? Why did you do what you've already done?

Fear grows inside that you will not find what you're looking for. Fear grows as time continues to pass. Anxiety rises as time passes too. The longer you're out of work, the less appealing of a candidate you are. That feeling of becoming inferior to your previous peers and colleagues starts to show. Hate for the recruiters who have been anything but helpful develops. Discontent with the job postings you find mounts.

It's all in your mind. The constant thinking makes your mind spin. And you literally circle these thoughts daily. Of course, they are accompanied by all the negative feelings across the spectrum. And worse of all, no one understands the circumstances you are in. No matter what anyone says about knowing the feeling or having been there, the reality is that they have no idea. Because your situation is complex and deeply rooted in the series of decisions, events, and shortcomings that you've gone through. No one can possibly know what you are dealing with.

Some days I want to scream. I want to throw my laptop across the room. Sometimes I cry to myself because, even though I'm alone in my home, I forbid myself to show signs of distress on the outside. Because that is a sign of weakness. And no matter what my thoughts are on the inside, I'm too stubborn to let anything show on the outside.

But you have to find a way to cope with it. I have to find way to exert energy. Go to the gym. Play basketball. Take the dog out. Run errands. Walk to the park. Walk the neighborhood. Sometimes do things twice a day if it's really bad. I read. I write/blog. Whatever I do, I try to take up as much time as possible (since job searching electronically only takes up so much time.) But the most important thing I have to do is talk to my wife. Because I need to confide in her. I want her support. And she needs to know what is happening in my life. She's the glimmer of light that I need while I navigate through the darkness of the daily mental drain.

Adjustment. Period.

Somewhere over the rainbow is another adventure for us to take. 

The Purpose Driven Life at Home

Tomorrow will make it 2 weeks since we got back home from spending time abroad. There is no doubt in my mind that it will take us another 2 weeks or more to really adjust to being home. With all the catching up on administrative things around the house, to cleaning, to making sure the next few weeks / months are in order we will have our hands full still.

We didn't have to think about things like this while we were abroad. Each day was spent enjoying the scenery around us or navigating the streets without purpose. And then each evening was used to determine the possibilities of the following day. It was like the ultimate procrastination for any on-goings at home. There was nothing we could do to change anything around the house, even if there was any kind of minor issue. Those items of concern had to be put off until we got home.

Now that we're home, the chores have been non-stop; the appointments have been daily; and all the little issues we deferred while on leave are all calling for attention. I guess it's called "leave" because you leave your issues behind; too bad when you return, your issues return too. If only there was a way to call it "vanish" so that our issues would vanish and never return.

At home, we live a purpose driven life. We have jobs that occupy most of our time, long to-do lists to fulfill outside of work, problems to tackle in-between time, down-time/leisure time to rest after the hustle, and sleep. Then we repeat. Everything is done with purpose. Even relaxation has a purpose, that is, to prepare us for the next round.

When you're abroad, purpose is determined by how you feel when you wake up, not a laundry list of matters to attend to.

Reverse Culture Shock

Someone told me that we'd feel strange about being back home, and they were right. It's easy to make constant comparisons between what is done here in the United States and what is done in various cities and countries around the world. (Note: We did this on the flip side also.) In some cases, the differences are shocking. Sometimes, you can be wow'd at how complicated and ridiculous the United States can be about certain things. And on the other hand,  you can see how lucky Americans are and how much better the quality of life can be here.

Alternatively, the beauty of other cultures, the simplicity of how others live abroad, and the organic nature of the people and food abroad is wonderful, and in many ways, cannot compare to the United States. As a traveler, it's these things that are most enjoyable.

Home Is Where the Heart Is

It's wonderful to see family and friends. It's great to have rapid internet. The conveniences of home are comforting. And our dogs still love us!