Tuesday, September 26, 2017

The Night Is Darkest Just Before The Dawn

There is a dark side to job hunting and unemployment that people do not write or talk about. Because on the outside, you want your family and friends to think you are ok, that you're having FUNemployment. No one wants to hear you complain or stress, so you do your best to keep it to yourself. But that only creates more stress, fear, doubt. The dark side of the whole process is the mind-fuck that you that put yourself through.
The moon as seen from the Atacama Desert
through a telescope in the middle of the night.

There is an anger that develops for any rejection you may receive. Doubt of your own talent and skills slowly creep up on your mind's eye. The focus then becomes, what have you done wrong? How you could have done better? Who affected this situation? Why did you do what you've already done?

Fear grows inside that you will not find what you're looking for. Fear grows as time continues to pass. Anxiety rises as time passes too. The longer you're out of work, the less appealing of a candidate you are. That feeling of becoming inferior to your previous peers and colleagues starts to show. Hate for the recruiters who have been anything but helpful develops. Discontent with the job postings you find mounts.

It's all in your mind. The constant thinking makes your mind spin. And you literally circle these thoughts daily. Of course, they are accompanied by all the negative feelings across the spectrum. And worse of all, no one understands the circumstances you are in. No matter what anyone says about knowing the feeling or having been there, the reality is that they have no idea. Because your situation is complex and deeply rooted in the series of decisions, events, and shortcomings that you've gone through. No one can possibly know what you are dealing with.

Some days I want to scream. I want to throw my laptop across the room. Sometimes I cry to myself because, even though I'm alone in my home, I forbid myself to show signs of distress on the outside. Because that is a sign of weakness. And no matter what my thoughts are on the inside, I'm too stubborn to let anything show on the outside.

But you have to find a way to cope with it. I have to find way to exert energy. Go to the gym. Play basketball. Take the dog out. Run errands. Walk to the park. Walk the neighborhood. Sometimes do things twice a day if it's really bad. I read. I write/blog. Whatever I do, I try to take up as much time as possible (since job searching electronically only takes up so much time.) But the most important thing I have to do is talk to my wife. Because I need to confide in her. I want her support. And she needs to know what is happening in my life. She's the glimmer of light that I need while I navigate through the darkness of the daily mental drain.

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