I meditated for the first time TODAY

Mrauk-U, Myanmar circa March 2017

I've read about so many successful people who meditate. It cannot be a coincidence that those who fare so well in life (at least to the public's perception) practice this ancient ritual. And for a long time, I've wanted to try it. I didn't know how except for what I've read. And I thought that my mind was not prepared for something so deep. In books, the process is so simple but everyone cautions how difficult it is to tame the mind, even for just a few minutes. But if this is what people who I highly regard are doing, I wanted to know why, how, and what the impact would be to my life. 

To be honest, I don't know why I decided to do it now. Maybe it's because I started to read the "Zen Master" - Phil Jackson's book entitled Eleven Rings or if it's because I just completed reading The Book of Joy: Lasting Happiness in a Changing World by Dalai Lama XIV, Desmond Tutu, and Douglas Carlton Abrams. But I decided to do it. 

A few tips that I learned: 

• don't drink coffee before you meditate
• blow your nose before you begin
• find a relaxed position (but if you don't, your body will adjust through the meditation)

Most mornings, I'm alone in the kitchen after I've walked the dogs and taken my medication. I typically use this time to read because of how peaceful and quiet this time can be. I did read for about half an hour but then suddenly had the urge to try out meditation. 

Consciously, I told myself I would try the simplest form - breathing. I closed my eyes. And I concentrated on the inhale and exhale of my breath. Trying to keep my mind from wandering, I said to myself, "in in in in in" as brought oxygen into my body... then "out out out out out" as I relieved myself of carbon dioxide. And I repeated this over and over and over. 

At the beginning, I could see my eyes fluttering. I could feel my eyeballs moving around behind my eyelids. I could "see" the colors changing as if watching the silhouette of objects behind a curtain. It's like REM except you're awake. I could feel my mind try to stray away from "in in in in in" and "out out out out out." My mind would try to "think" about if my breathing was right, if I was comfortable, what was my body doing? At first I was uncomfortable. My nose was a little stuffed. I could imagine my nostrils being slightly clogged. I "felt" that my body was not in the "perfect" position. My shoulders were too tight and high. My neck was stiff. 

But as I continued to breathe "in in in in in" and "out out out out out" I could feel my body settle. What?! How did that happen? Then my "vision" became white. I was realizing (which I shouldn't have been realizing) that my eyeballs had stopped their rapid movement. I was "seeing" just light come through my eyelids. I could feel my body adjust itself to correct the uncomfortable feeling. My shoulders relaxed; my head tilted down to relieve my neck of discomfort. And I was getting into a rhythm. Strangely, I was conscious of this, but I was also conscious of my breathing. Is that possible? I could "hear" myself thinking "in in in in in, out out out out out." 

I did this for some time. Not knowing how much time, I just opened my eyes. I looked at the clock, and I think 10 minutes or so had passed. And at the same time, I felt a weird sensation in my body. It felt something similar to when you have high blood pressure (which I do) and you get up too fast, you become dizzy. Except in this case, I didn't feel dizzy. I think what I felt was all the oxygen being disbursed throughout my body, as if all the "in in in in ins and out out out out outs" were contained only in my lungs and brain while my eyes were closed. And then when I opened them my brain distributed them to the rest of my organs and limbs. In a way, I was momentarily paralyzed by the breakthrough back to reality and my present self. 

After a few seconds I felt comfortable and relaxed. It was a strangeness that I've never felt before. It was surreal. I can only liken it to waking up from a great, restful sleep. But that's only close and not exact. And I liked it. I'm almost certain that I will do this again. 

Am I crazy? Or is this what it's like to meditate? 

Have any of you experienced this? Please share with me. I'm a newb.

Climbing The Sand Dunes of My Mind

I need a mental break. My mind is so tired of thinking about all the negative things in my life currently. My brain is stressed from learning / re-learning information for the CPA exam. My thoughts are clouded by the if / then situations regarding (un)employment, potential interviews, or even just applications. And then I get the occasional detours to consider the new home, moving, rising interest rates, and new home expenses. Last, but certainly not least, I continue to consider my parents situation regarding retirement, finances, selling their current home, and moving to a new home. I’m exhausted.

My only reprieve is the reading I do daily. Non-fiction to educate myself. Fiction to take me away mentally, however, only temporary.

I feel as if I’ve sacrificed myself for nearly a year with nothing to show for all the efforts yet. When will I attain what I've struggled for? 

I HATE Roller Coasters

And willingly, I've ridden one everyday of this year. Not a real one like at Six Flags or somewhere like that. But just the roller coaster that is life. No other year in all of my life has been more up and down than this year, 2017.

The first half of the year I was on a high like no other I've ever felt in my life. It's been the pinnacle of my existence so far. I was abroad. I was experiencing different countries, cultures, food, drink, environments, and people. I was living a dream without a care for the "real" life of work, salaries, mortgages, or debt. At times it was surreal. I was liberated. I was free to do as I pleased for those days and weeks away.

And the 2nd half of the year was as if I was in a hot air balloon and someone had shot an arrow into the nylon fabric piercing the material causing a slow release of hot air that was previously keeping me afloat. And I was in a long, slow descent towards the rocky bottom of the a canyon where I'd be swept into the current of a winding river and taken along a combination of rapids and lulls with no end in sight.

Both halves allowed me to feel in ways that I've never felt before - extreme happiness / excitement and the dark doldrums.

I have yet to have my phoenix-like resurrection from the depths of unemployment, but I'm trying to work my way out. I'm trying to stay positive and look forward to the brighter days ahead. There are sure to be more twists and turns to this wild ride, but I hope I can overcome the fears, trials, and tribulations to have a meteoric rise from this Grand Canyon to the summit of my Mount Everest.

Sometimes, Frustration Can Get The Best Of Me

It's not easy to stay positive when you've been job hunting for 7 months. It's not easy to accept that you've been unemployed for over a year. But I knew what I signed up for. I knew what was at the end of the road when I started on the path least traveled. That doesn't change the feelings, mostly of frustration, that come from being unable to provide for myself or others around me. And every day that passes is another day removed from the beginning.

via GIPHY

I've been busy lately with family health concerns, doctors appointments, and other very important tasks that don’t directly affect me. And it will continue to be this way for a while.

via GIPHY

But outside of that, I've tried to keep myself busy. I made a daily routine to pass the time. I make myself a healthy breakfast, drink a cup of coffee, and proceed to job hunt first thing in the morning. If I'm lucky, I send in some applications. Then I catch up on the news through my Google News feed and other social media outlets. If I'm feeling creative, I write a blog post. I cook a protein-filled lunch and take my daily medication and vitamins. Around mid-afternoon, after I've given some time for my food to digest while reading a book, I walk 1.2miles to the gym to workout for an hour and walk home afterward. And the rest of the afternoon / evening all just depends on how tired I am from the exercise. Most nights I watch a little tv or read online or read a book. My days are predictable.

But doing something over and over again expecting different results - isn't that the definition of insanity? Little by little, I'm probably getting a little crazier each day. I need mental stimulation; I need the challenges of the workplace; I need human interaction. I should probably find some diversity in my daily life for now. But I refuse to spend any kind of money.

I would say that I've been patient, doing things in order and waiting for the right opportunities. I've been applying here and there and also touching base with recruiters. But this time of year is just tough. Many positions are put on hold for the new year to give employers time to reorganize and re-budget. It's typical for companies to stave off the spending in the 4th quarter of any given year. I know this. And I try to convince myself that come January all the employers will come around to reaching out to me at the same time. I can only hope for karma and to be overwhelmed with job suitors so that I can have my pick.

If you're reading this, hope for me too. I can use all the positive vibes I can get. I'll be sure to keep you in my hopes and dreams as well. Thanks.

2 Flew The Coop And The Nest Is Nearly Empty

Yesterday when my cousin's children left (one to go back to Dallas where she now resides, and the other to his college in Eastern Texas), I got a taste of what it's like to be a parent.

For the better part of the long weekend, we were all together here in Cypress. We went out to eat, caravaning 2-3 cars just to get to the restaurant. We played badminton or threw a football around. We played board games like Jenga and Taboo. We cooked meals together in the kitchen. We shared stories around the dinner table. We were lazily on our phones while sitting on the couch together.

And for the 4-5 days that we were all hanging out, it was a ruckus. People yelling across the house. Random people awake at different times of the day, then dropping off to bed at different points in the night. Kids going in an out of the back door to the yard. Someone coming and going to the store to pickup supplies. It was organized chaos, but it was fun and lively.

Then all of a sudden, on Sunday, it became like the end of a reality tv show like The Jersey Shore or Real World or Road Rules or something like that. All of the other visitors had departed already, and the last 2 kids were getting ready to leave. They packed their bags; picked up supplies from the house pantry; their mom gave them food to take with them. Then one by one, at different times, they would leave, timing their departure in line with the traffic pattern to their final destination.

When the first child left, it was a hug and a kiss for everyone around the room, followed by an exit where everyone would clamor through the front door to give a parting wave goodbye as the kid drove down the street. Then the same exact thing happened when the next child left. It was easily a made for tv movie ending and the credits could roll almost immediately.

The house became quiet. The action had left with the visitors and children. And had my wife and I not been here, it would just be the 3 of the family members left in this big brand new house. When the kids left, they took the fun with them. They took the excitement of their lives out the door, and we became the old adults with the boring repetitive lives again.

I imagined that this is what parents feel like. I felt something when they left. It was weird. They're not my kids, but because we're so close it was like a part of me left too. That's got to be what my cousin and her husband felt like. Two-thirds of their kids were off on their own, so two-thirds of themselves were no longer in this house. It's nearly an empty nest. And it's no wonder why parents get the empty nest syndrome. One can easily feel sad or lonely. Luckily for my cousin and her husband, they still have another 8 year old and have many years left before he flies the coop.

Sadness > Frustration > Anger > Release > Repeat As Infrequently As Possible

Have you ever been so sad that you became frustrated? Have you ever been so frustrated that your anger took over? It's a natural progression. Is it possible to start at frustration without having been upset? I'm not sure. But I think there's a deeper root that begins with displeasure and eventually grows to irritation.

For me, the series of feelings don't surface often. I think it partly because I'm normally so logical and partly because I'm not easily bothered; I have patience and quickly determine if issues are worth worrying about. But like everyone else, I have my days. They just come further apart than others.

What bum's me out? Usually, it's something out of my control. Sometimes it's something that I have a hard time parting with. Other times, it could be something I can't make a decision about. When I stress about a situation, my spirits are dampened. If I'm disheartened or discouraged by someone or an event, I feel saddened. If I carry too much weight on my shoulders, if I take on too much to do and can't accomplish what I thought could be done, I feel dragged down. When people depend on me, and I can't come through, I feel useless and sorry.

Then frustration starts to set in. When the thoughts in my mind revolve faster and more often than the Earth rotates around the sun, I'm dizzied. When I start at point A in an effort to get to point B, but have to make a U-turn, I feel as if I've wasted time. If I do things over and over, whether in thought or in practice, and expect a different result, I am made insane.

Which leads to anger. I'm mad because I should have come to a conclusion. I could have figured it out on my own. It doesn't make sense, but it should. I hate repetition, but I can't stop. Objects can and will be thrown. Pillows are squeezed as small as if vacuum-sealed in my arms and used to muffle the rage that seeks escape from my body. Sometimes I shake.

But strangely, it's all controlled because it has to be. You have to be disciplined or you risk damage to yourself, objects, and others. The trick is to let it out slowly, like a pressure cooker. Release the tension or else in time, you will explode. And the outcome could be worse.

Tangent:
As I write about this topic, I can't help but think of my parents. The apple does not fall far from the tree. I have my mom's short fuse and my dad's patient logic. I share my dad's frustration and use my mom's edge. I can push buttons like my mom when I have to but most often have my buttons pushed like my dad. I am my parents' son. (476)

Blog Post Challenge - The Beach

Today's blog post (and maybe more in the future) is a challenge posed by my wife to write about something of her choice. And in an effort to be flexible, spontaneous, and try something new... I accept.

This is going to be like those open ended exam questions, that I used to be so poor at answering. Constructing my responses was so difficult back then. Let's see what it's like now.

Topic: Why do people love the beach? Not just being at the beach, but the beach itself. Use your 5 senses to answer. Describe the different types of beaches, how they make you feel, and why.

Ah, the beach. A place where sun, sand, wind and water all join forces in the most perfect way to make you feel so comfortable that your natural tendency is to let down your guard and anxiety and forces your happiness to skyrocket. The salty sea air is like a nasal decongestant. Inhale freshness, exhale your troubles. The sun is like a warm, colorful blanket. Let it wrap you up with its vitamins and keep you safe from the harm of body shamers. The sounds of waves crashing on the shore, or the lapping of water at low tide are a reminder that water is the most powerful liquid on Earth. Enjoy it carefully or suffer the consequences of stupidity. Seeing all the colors, the power, the life, balance and the love joined in an area of such simplicity is only a taste of the beauty that this world has to offer. And that's what people admire most about the beach. It calls them, and when they heed that call they are never disappointed. What's not to love about that?

With so many types of beaches in so many different settings, it's an adventure to pick which ones to go to. I like beaches that are hard to get to and unique. I feel a sense of accomplishment when I find it. And a dip in the water after I've racked my brain to discover the location or trekked off the beaten path to get there make the water more refreshing, soothing, and relaxing. I like the less crowded beaches.

AND we did the traditional Antarctica Polar Plunge bwahahaha🙈🌨🌊🍦🍧⛷

A post shared by Carolyn Go (@carolynluu) on Dec 22, 2015 at 2:15pm PST

More public beaches are great for a weekend getaway or an evening stroll or to spend time with friends and family to pay volleyball or toss a football around. I like to people watch on these beaches. I enjoy watching the families have a good time, kids play together, and friends take in the sun and lose themselves in conversation. I also like boardwalks you sometimes find on the shore to find comfort in food, to play boardwalk games, pop into the little shops, and still enjoy the sea breeze. But I'm not a fan of how crowded it can get. That's why I gravitate towards the harder to reach beaches. But I can love both for different reasons.

We've been to tons of beaches. I've loved them all. It's hard to find something you don't like. Even if it's rocky or littered with shells or have touts trying to sell you things, that doesn't deter us from finding enjoyment. As long as the sun is out, the sand is hot on top and cool underneath, and the people surrounding you are happy then there's little else to care about or make you worry. Have fun! Life's a beach! (589)

a l o h a 🌸k a u a i . . . . . #hawaiilife #bikinibody #blueskies #islandgirl #aloha #lazymonday #idontwanttowork #tanlines #tanning #beachallday #traveltheworld #suitcasetravels #livelifetothefullest #travelpic #addictedtoyou #travelmore #positivequotes #saltyhairdontcare #palmtrees #warmwater #surfergirl #girlswhotravel #girlswithtattoos #foodtrucks #sunshines #accountants #sandinmytoes #kauai #hawaiian #waterfallsfordays

A post shared by Carolyn Go (@carolynluu) on Sep 19, 2017 at 5:43pm PDT

🙋🏿🙋🏿🙋🏿🙋🏿🙋🏿🙋🏿🍈#finally #black #summer #body #burn #island #life #forever #goodmorning #drinks #green #coconut #rentabeachchairfor60000vietnamesedong #hot #bikini #travel #travelphotography #traveling #waves #water #white #sand #golovetravelgo #wanderlust #bucketlust #love #shades #tuesday #sunny #6months

A post shared by Carolyn Go (@carolynluu) on Feb 21, 2017 at 7:33pm PST

"Wherever you go, go with all your heart." -Confucius 恭喜發財 !! 👗🐬🗽🏝⚗️🌐🐠🤖#happiness #prosperity #heart #yearoftherooster #gilitrawangan #turquoise #indonesia #reflection #clear #beautiful #beautifuldestinations #ilovemylife #islandlife #hammock #swing #wanderlust #bucketlist #6months #golovetravelgo #happynewyear

A post shared by Carolyn Go (@carolynluu) on Jan 28, 2017 at 5:56am PST

Obama said, "Yes we did. YES WE CAN." 👊🏾👊🏾👊🏾👊🏾👊🏾 . . . . #womensmarch #yeswedid #lovenothate #notrump #irefuse #aremybikegearsworking #notanotherhill #nocarsonthisisland #rottnestisland #quokkas #beachlife #islandlife #byebyebye #oz #bucketlist #worldnomads #6months #golovetravelgo #beautiful #beautifuldestinations #blessed #turquoise #snorkle #blue #green

A post shared by Carolyn Go (@carolynluu) on Jan 23, 2017 at 3:45am PST

"At Christmas, all roads lead home." ❄️🎄🌸🍃🌊🐬🌈☀️🏝🗺#merrychristmas #christmasathome #christmasinnz #summerchristmas #heproposed3yearsago #iwishhewouldproposeagaineveryyear #letsgetmarriedagain #love #beautifuldestination #beautiful #blessed #nz #islandlife #waves #bucketlist #worldtraveler #golovetravelgo #pwc #thankyou #ilovemyjob #almostnye!!

A post shared by Carolyn Go (@carolynluu) on Dec 25, 2016 at 3:27am PST

My husband surprised me today and took me to the beach at Viña Del Mar 😎🌊🏄🏽‍♀️👙🍦#santiagodechile #valparaiso #thongsong #menwhistleatbigbutts #somanydogssleeponthebeach #golovetravelgo #viñadelmar #beachlife #worldtraveler #lifeisabeach #lifeisbeautiful #bucketlist #chichichilelelevivachile 🇨🇱

A post shared by Carolyn Go (@carolynluu) on Dec 5, 2016 at 12:10pm PST

Risk More Than Others And Dream Like You Mean It

I've been looking back at the decisions I've made in the recent past. The overwhelming majority of them I've been completely happy with. Some I've just accepted as "ok," nothing great or anything awful has come of them. And only a few have I regretted. 

But hold on, I'm not going where you think I'm going with this intro. This isn't about me right now. It's about you for a minute. Yes, you my readers, my fans (I like to think I have some), my followers, my friends, and my fam. I hope you don't mind. 

I wondered what you have all thought of me and the steps I've taken for the past, call it, 2 years. I've imagined you thinking me crazy, determined, changed, risky, impractical, and sometimes unrealistic. I've heard something in your voice or seen a glimmer in your eyes. It's the sound of confusion regarding something you found questionable or something of a surprise. It's the look of fear that I may do something I would regret, something strange in your mind. In other cases, it's been positive, at least from what I can tell. But I'm not sure, and that's ok because I continued to do things my way anyway. 

I've laughed, been angry, upset, and sad, then anxious, sometimes happy or bashful or mad for things that I've done, both good and bad. But all that I've done and what I continue to do, is driven by the quote above as it should drive you. There's a cadence to my madness; I beat my own drum. I don't do things because I'm crazy. I do it for fun. With many goals in mind, with limited time, to succeed and be happy is impossible all of the time. But to risk more than other think safe, and dream more than others think practical, the results can sometimes be more than magical. We were taught to dream big, no risk no reward. It's time to stop quoting others and keep moving forward.

Look at that. It's funny. I broke into rhyme. I wish I had the ability to do that all of the time.

The next moves I make, the next steps that I take, might be bigger and better than any previous stake. For my future, my family, the people who make me happy, tomorrow's dream might soon become a reality. (396)

It's Just A Waiting Game Until The Next Job Comes Along, But In the Meantime...

This is the longest I've been unemployed. I've been doing all the household chores and taking care of all the administrative things that go with owning a home, a car, and having an in-law live with you. I've been taking great care of my health and body since I've had so much time. I've even been able to play basketball at an open gym with some competitive people. Reading more books and keeping up with the news is easier and leisurely, and music is now constantly playing if I'm not reading. All my meals are taken at home and self-made; grocery shopping in the middle of the day is wonderful, and avoiding doing anything during rush hour is the most genius thing ever. The fact that my weekends can be spent more freely is exciting because of how productive I am during the week. Things are so much more different when I have a regular day job.

But despite all the wonderful things I've been able to do during this FUNemployment and all the productive / positive things I've done for this house, I feel strangely useless. Part of the reason is that I'm not earning any income. I am not supporting my family and household financially. In fact, I am trying my best to minimize my expenses. Has my income defined my usefulness? I'm sure it hasn't, but why is this the resulting feeling?

and long term travelers, have any of you felt this way? If so, how do you cope?

Feelings and Emotion

It's not easy or normal for me to show emotion on a daily basis. A lot of the time, I go through my daily life as a series of motions to get through each day. Most things are routine, like showering, going to work, checking email, cooking dinner, and sleeping at a certain time. So it's easy to get lost in the monotony of the cycle. 

I'm going to try to do a better job showing my feelings. I started yesterday. Valentine's Day is a heart-warming day, and I wanted to prove it on this cold, February morning. So I bought these for my Valentine.

It's a start. I know I still have to be more vocal about it. It's not just about listening and engaging a conversation, it's about talking about my own feelings as well. 

I'm a work-in-process, as we all are...