A Reflection On My Life Through A Busy Season: When The Thick Gets Thin

I've learned a lot about myself over the past few weeks. It has been a very challenging time for me. I'd say that it's primarily work-related, but it's spilled over into my personal life. At this point in the pandemic, what hasn't, right? 

My cognitive abilities diminish at a certain point when stress / busyness / tiredness are paramount. 

I am easily agitated by people who don't care, don't respond, are slow to communicate, or have no consideration for the pressures I may be under. Granted, not everyone will know my situation, but those who do should have more empathy. 

I get into my feelings when I can't let my frustrations out. That's probably why I'm writing this blog post. I have no real outlet. I don't have a therapist. I don't want to inundate my wife with my issues. And I am not finding enough time to take walks or workout the stress. 

But why? Is it because I care too much about what I do? Maybe.

Part of my frustration is that I know I'm capable of doing things, understanding difficult concepts, breaking things down, creating examples for myself, and working through issues. But with little time to be spent, I'm finding that I don't feel intelligent. I feel like I'm slow or not comprehending. I even act like I don't know what to do, work-wise. That's not me under less stressful circumstances. But to others whom I interact with when I'm at this point, I will seem incapable, slow, and they may even question why I'm in the role I'm in. 

As I've gotten older, the impact has become more pronounced. I can feel it hit harder. When I was in my early 20s and working in public accounting, I could suck it up and plow right through whatever came my way. Whatever obstacle there was, however late I had to work, regardless of how much toll it was taking on my body - I just carried on and let it become normal. As young professionals, you're "paying your dues" but at what expense? Mind? Body? It's tough, but it's "normal" for this career path. 

I sometimes question if my actions and reactions are valid or acceptable. And other times, I don't care what anyone else thinks because it's healthy to get these thoughts and feelings out of our systems, right?

There are some who would say that it's just a job and that your health and mindfulness should be at the forefront. I agree with that... up until I get really busy. Then all bets are off. And that's not a good thing. I've had a hard time holding myself accountable for sticking to plans and enforcing my own hardlines. Guess they're not that hard, huh? 

I often second guess myself when I get to this point of stress and frustration. I am no longer confident in the things that I do. 

I become mechanical instead of dynamic and conscious. I do just to do rather think about what the impacts are. In some ways, there's nothing else you can do. Your learning and abilities to comprehend are stunted by inundation. In accounting and tax, this happens often, especially in client service roles. This is why people stop learning. It's why people give up. When you become overly concerned with timeline and due dates, functioning becomes a matter of just doing and not thinking. 

Everyone is different. I can tolerate a lot of stress, but even I reach a breaking point. Others may have less of a threshold and may collapse upon the pressures sooner. That doesn't mean they are not intelligent or have other star qualities. 

I have learned my limits once again at a different time in age. I am no longer capable of grinding it out because I feel all the adverse effects quicker. My mind and body fail me sooner. And my overall well-being is just significantly deteriorated. I am sad, tired, stressed, and need a break for the quiet, calm, and serenity - maybe in the mountains somewhere...

Paro Taktsang (aka Tiger's Nest) - Paro Valley, Paro District, Bhutan - circa April 2017

Last Minute Errands Yield Stress

Last night at 10PM on a last minute run to find a pair of brown 36"round smooth dress shoe laces, I went to 4 different locations, to no avail. How could all these locations carry only black dress shoe laces and sports laces? Is it too much to ask for them to carry brown? Why is it that when you need something the most at the vest last minute, you often don't find what you want? Doesn't it seem like the world is working against you in the worst way? I came home stressed and annoyed that I hadn't tried to do this errand earlier. I knew that I needed them for days, heck even weeks. But I put it off until the last minute and this is what I got.

Even now as I write this post from Bellevue, WA I still do not have the shoe laces that I need. Instead, I'm writing this post because I'm now 3 hours behind and am hell bent on making sure I get a post on my blog. Haha. I'm ridiculous.

Anyway, I'm going to try to find some shoe laces around here somewhere. I need to find where the shops are nearby. And if worse comes to worse, maybe I'll just get colored laces.

You might be asking yourself, why am I in Washington, and why do I need shoe laces? Well, I'm interviewing here tomorrow morning and then I'm back on a flight home. I need the shoe laces because they broke the last time I wore them, and I need to wear brown shoes with the attire I selected, navy blue pants, white button up, blue tie, brown belt.

I have an alternative. Black shoes. But I hate the way they look with the blue pants. I brought a black belt too, just in case.

I had wanted to pack a light as possible. But here I am with 3 pairs of shoes on hand. One on my feet and two in my carry-on luggage. I originally wanted to work out at the gym, but that would have required a 4th pair of shoes, and I wasn't about to go that far. The weight will have to be piled on for now. I have 2 belts in case I can't find the brown shoe laces. And I have a pair of brown and black socks for the same reason. I hate overpacking.

In my haste, I forgot to pack my daily medication and vitamins. I also forgot to bring a jacket for this cooler weather. I only have a fleece, but I would hate to have to wear it with my business casual outfit to the interview tomorrow. I'm hoping for lots of sun, but it's not a good start with clouds and fog right now. I suppose we'll see.

On the bright side, I have an opportunity that I hope turns up positive. Wish me luck. Thanks. (490)

Job Searching: Impatience, Frustration, Stress - The Struggle Is Real

As of late, the challenges of seeking employment have been getting to me.

I'm currently waiting to hear back from my previous employer about a position that was opened up at the end of June, which I interviewed for, but have not heard back from yet. Because I was the first person to interview and the hiring managers needed to go through the formal process by fielding other potential candidates, I'm just playing the waiting game with them. It's like having a staring contest with a wall right now. I feel so helpless and each day that passes, I lose a little hope that they'd fill this position with my shoes.

And I've been really trying to hold off on reaching out to others to continue my search so as not to waste peoples' time (recruiters, friends, old colleagues, etc.) since I'm waiting on my old employer to give me an answer, but I'm also feeling foolish for somewhat putting my eggs in one basket with them.

I do have a daily job search on Indeed and LinkedIN that automatically emails me with new positions. But the results haven't been so fruitful. In the two months I've been hunting, less than 10 opportunities have been appealing. In fact, I've only applied to maybe 5 positions.

Optimism is the name of the game when you go through your job search, but it's hard to stay so positive every day. Some days I feel fine and confident that I will get picked up by a great company. Other days I'm impatient, frustrated, and stressed out about landing a job. And on those days I don't know what to do with myself because waiting is all I have left to do; I've done all the admin around the house, cleaning, maintenance, grocery shopping, exercise and reading that I can take.

With all the free time, your mind wanders. You think - did I make the right choices in my past career-wise? Is my resume strong enough? Am I qualified for any of these positions? Why aren't I getting any callbacks for the positions I did apply for? What's wrong with me?!

Transition Tuesday: Changes to Make After Spending Life Overseas

Life's a beach...at least it should be. 

When you have a lot of time on your hands it's easy to make lists. This one is for improvement. I want to improve the way I live my life, and this is how I will do that.

• Read more books. There's plenty of information, perspectives, insights, and opinions out there to learn from. And books are the platform. Despite the movement to e-readers and text available online, I still prefer the hardcover/paperback versions of books.
  
• Maintain weight. You've read this from me before. But this time it's different. At 291lbs before we left, I struggled. My goal is to weigh-in at under 250lbs going forward. My best was 109kg (238lbs) while we were in South Africa. But I don't know how feasible that is to maintain. But I am pretty sure I can swing under 250lbs from now on. How will I do that?
• Coffee - I started to drink coffee because it will boost my metabolism and help me move my bowels better. 
• Drink plenty of water. While we were abroad, I drank something like 3-4 liters of water per day. We were doing a lot of walking and sweating in the heat so I needed it. 
• Eat fruits and anything with natural sugars in the mornings to give them a full day to digest, break down, and burn off. 
• Keep the carbs low unless I know I will need the energy for an intense workout or other strenuous exercise (hiking, rowing, climbing, etc.). Also, eating them for lunch will give them some time to digest. 
• Increase my protein intake. This should include more fish, poultry, and lean meats. Finding and consuming alternative protein sources (like soy, nuts, yogurt and other dairy, etc.) is key to keeping my diet interesting and varied. 
• Eat more vegetables. I was not a fan so much of eating veggies. I mean, I would do it but not often. Our time abroad has given me such a better appreciation for clean, organic, vegetables. In so many places around the world vegetables are the main dish. Meats and other foods are a treat.
• We recently started our own little organic herb garden. We will have a variety of mints, parsley, and cilantro/coriander. Will keep you posted on how our garden grows. 
• Try to eat more organic, non-processed food. It's hard. And it's expensive. But to the extent possible, we will make it happen. 
• Add chili peppers to my food to make it spicy! This will keep my food interesting and may also help with metabolism and limiting the amount of intake.
• Workout at the gym 3-4 times per week, even if it means going to work late or leaving work early. Because at the very heart of it all, I always blamed the lack of time to go to the gym on my work schedule. But like my boss has always said, it's not worth dying for. So I'm going to the gym, so I won't die at work.
  
• Reduce daily stress. My former manager always told me that we have to live one day at a time, not to let the challenges of work or life make you crazy. I always listened to him and tried to not let things bother me, but it took this trip to really change my mind. One day at a time, one thing at a time.
  
• Invest. Time, money, effort. We did a lot of thinking, and our conclusion was that we need to establish ways to make our own lives better and build a foundation for our future child(ren). So we're going to invest in property. A timeline was made and the hope is to stick to it as closely as possible to maximize the future benefit. We contemplated if it should be foreign property or domestic, and we narrowed it down to select cities. Now it's just a matter of executing.
  
• Clean up. There are plenty of items, tasks, and thoughts that are unnecessary in our lives. The goal is to trim off what we don't need. If it occupies space and is never used, discard it. If the to-do can be lived without, then forego it. If the idea or thought causes stress, then try to turn it into a positive and learn from it. There are other mountains to climb and conquer. The goal is to see the top and look down on what has been accomplished, and how can that be fun if you're bogged down with the useless?